Akin to water, grief can envelope us. Not just like a freak wave that surprises us out of the
blue, grief can ebb and flow like tides that come and go throughout time. With life comes the
inevitability of death and the corresponding emotional pain of losing those we hold dear and
adjusting to life without their physical presence beside us in our daily lives.
Grief can be experienced in many ways but notably many experience a cycle of phases
when mourning the loss of a partner. British psychologist John Bowlby, who founded the
understanding of attachment and bonding between caregiver and child that endures
throughout life partnerships, observed four cyclic phases of mourning. Knowing these
phases, and their ebb and flow pattern, can help us understand, prepare, and engage
support when experiencing with the loss of a loved one.
Phase 1: Shock and Denial
The initial shock of losing a partner often brings a sense of numbness or denial. This phase can make it hard to accept the reality of loss. If you find yourself in this stage, it’s important to turn towards your emotions with acceptance. Pay attention to where you feel emotions and sensations in your body. Techniques like mindful breathing and relaxation exercises can be incredibly supportive during this time.
Phase 2: Yearning and Searching
As grief continues, it’s common to yearn for your lost loved one. You may find yourself reminiscing and seeking reconnection. This phase can also bring intense emotions, such as anger and guilt. Reaching out to family and friends for emotional support, or engaging with a professional grief therapist, can help you process these complex feelings.
Phase 3: Disorganisation and Despair
During this phase, grief can lead to feelings of disorganisation and despair, triggering anxiety, loneliness, and hopelessness. It’s common to feel torn between immersing yourself in memories and distancing yourself from them. Seeking guidance from a grief therapist during this time can help you navigate acceptance and manage unhelpful thoughts and behaviours.
Phase 4: Acceptance and Adjustment
The final phase involves coming to terms with the loss of your partner and adjusting to their absence. This phase supports the return of initiative, independence, and finding a new way of living daily life. It can be helpful to discover new meaning in your world and your connection with your deceased loved one. Creating new and meaningful rituals that celebrate your transforming life and cherished memories can be especially supportive.
Grief is much like the ocean—it ebbs and flows, sometimes calm and other times overwhelming. But through understanding these phases and seeking support, we can learn to navigate its waves.
“Grief is like the ocean. It comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
