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Dog with a Blog: Don't Leave Me

Hi it’s me again! Dog with a Blog is getting too much fun and I have so many things to say. Not long ago my human left me for what felt like a year, but someone said it was a week, (it’s okay though the human you know well, Claudine, took amazing care of me). When my human first left I felt a little bit scared and definitely very sad but once I warmed up to my new human I had the best time, she even gave me extra special treats. She took me to work and I got to hang out with all new humans in her sessions so my human being away wasn’t all that scary after a while. I remembered back to something my human is always talking about… separation anxiety.. woof! My human explained it looks a little like this;

-          Recurrent excessive distress when anticipating or experiencing separation from home or from major attachment figures.

-          Persistent reluctance or refusal to go out, away from home, to school, to work, or elsewhere because of fear of separation.

-          Persistent and excessive fear of or reluctance about being alone or without major attachment figures at home or in other settings.

-          Persistent reluctance or refusal to sleep away from home or to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure.

Sometimes I even wait at the door when my human goes to get lunch while we are at work. I loved being with a new human, but my human is my favourite and she understands me. I am very thankful she left me with a super nice human that I was comfortable and familiar with! My human always makes really cool videos for other humans to listen to or learn from (posted on Facebook, along with cute pictures of me). Speaking of my human leaving, she’s just left me in the office so I am going to wait at the door for her to get back.. woof!

 

Benji... woof x

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Don’t be Cruel, Be Kind: Developing Self-Compassion

In reflecting on my own experience growing up, and also reflecting on the personal histories that many of my clients have shared with me, I have noticed a common thread – a shared experience for many of us. I have noticed that for many of us the development of virtues such as being responsible individuals, being goal-oriented, hardworking and motivated towards success, came with the indirect message that we needed to be hard on ourselves to establish these virtues and keep them alive. We confuse the good practice of holding ourselves accountable with punishing ourselves for our inherent imperfections. We lose compassion for ourselves, though we maintain compassion for others. For many of us, our suffering is a result of the poorly developed relationship we have with ourselves; we have either forgotten or we never learned to be kind to who we are. In my own life’s journey and with the clients I see for psychotherapy, I often integrate the good practice of developing self-compassion.

Self-compassion is the act of being kind and understanding toward yourself. Rather than being highly critical of yourself because of shortcomings and mistakes made, Self-compassion encourages you to accept that you are human and imperfect. It seems strange that we would struggle to be kind to ourselves, but part of the reason for this struggle may be our misunderstanding of kindness to self as a code phrase for self-pity; which many of us are understandably averse to. But self-pity is, what self-compassion is not! When individuals feel self-pity, they become immersed in their own problems and forget that others have similar problems. They ignore their connections with others, and instead feel that they are the only ones in the world who are suffering. This takes the “normal-ness” out of the experience you are having, and this tends to make the suffering worse.

Many people say they are reluctant to be self-compassionate because they are afraid they would let themselves get away with anything; being overly indulgent. Being kind to yourself also means holding yourself accountable and doing what is healthy for your present and your future self! Remember that being compassionate to oneself means that you want to be happy and healthy in the long-term. In many cases, just giving oneself pleasure may harm well-being (so we definitely would not want to confuse having an entire tub of ice cream with the process of self-compassion).

The truth is many of us already know how to be compassionate, because we are to others. With others, we are able to see their suffering and then respond to it with kindness and help. This is the process we must engage in with ourselves – noticing our suffering, identifying where it is coming from and then helping ourselves as we would a good friend.

These things I leave for you to contemplate, and until next time – Be kind to yourself and look out for your neighbour. If you would like further support on your journey to self-compassion, contact our team at Drop of Life Psychology Clinic.

 

By: Matthew McKenzie, B.Sc. (Hon.), M.Sc. (Dist.)

Psychologist, Drop of Life Psychology Clinic

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How to Help Your Child Cope with Bullying

Friday the 15th March is the national day of action against bullying and this gives us the opportunity to think about this harmful activity at schools that unfortunately a large amount of children have to deal with on a daily basis. Statistics indicate that 1 in 7 school aged children report being bullied at some point in time during their school years. Nowadays, cyber bullying has also become a common phenomenon, which has led to children not only being bullied at school but also in their home environment.

For parents it is often a difficult situation to manage as every parent wants to protect their child from harm but usually it will happen when they are not physically present and therefore parents are not always aware of the bullying. In order to recognize, prevent and respond to bullying in schools, it’s important to understand what bullying actually is and what the warning signs are to look out for.

The national definition of bullying is an ongoing and deliberate misuse of power in relationships through repeated verbal, physical and/or social behaviour that intends to cause physical, social and/or psychological harm. This can include a group or an individual mistreating and violating someone else’s rights. This usually involves people that feel as if they can’t stop it from happening. As mentioned above, bullying nowadays happens not only in person but also via various digital platforms and devices and it can be obvious (overt) or hidden (covert). What separates bullying from being mean is that bullying behaviour is repeated over time.

For children, bullying can be extremely traumatising and can therefore have immediate, medium and long-term effects on them, including bystanders. For example it can impact on their sense of self, their self-esteem and they are at greater risk for both mental health and behavioural issues such as anxiety and depression.

Children who are being bullied often are reluctant to tell their parents or teachers about it as they may think it’s their own fault and/or that adults won’t do anything to stop the bullying. For that reason, it’s key to learn to recognize the following warning signs that might indicate that your child is being bullied:

  • Has frequent nightmares
  • Acts aggressively
  • Loses or has damaged possession
  • Doesn’t want to go to school
  • Has no friends or party invitations
  • Gets hurt or bruised

So, what do you do when you notice that your child is being bullied? Watching your child struggle is one of the greatest challenges of parenting. It can be easy to feel helpless as a parent when it comes to helping your children with bullying whether it is  at school or online. There are different tools that can be applied to help you support your child to deal with bullying:

First of all, try to remain calm when your child is ready to tell you what has been happening for them at school as you want your child to feel comfortable. Questions such as “What happened next?” are helpful to let your child feel heard. Try to avoid negative comments by telling them to stand up for themselves.

As a parent, discuss with your child what reactions bullies are looking for, which are for example getting angry or upset. Develop a plan together with your child of how to respond in a way to defuse the situation. Practice makes perfect and therefore role play is a useful tool to  allow your child to practice their responses and to gain confidence doing so.

Another important point is that it helps your child to understand why someone bullies as this externalises the problem and will give them that reassurance that the bullying has nothing to do with them. Explaining your child that the bullies might need attention to make themselves feel better or copies other children’s behaviour will contribute to your child’s self-esteem.

Another step to take is to talk to your child’s teacher or a school psychologist about the bullying.

Besides being bullied at school, bullying may extend now through social media. Therefore, it’s important to keep a watchful eye on your child’s online activities.

A psychologist can provide you additional emotional support and tools to get your family through this challenge. Psychologists can help with: realizing and acknowledging the damage and humiliation that has occurred, dealing with the events associated with the bullying and making sense of what has happened.

If you feel that your child may need to speak to a professional about their experiences being bullied or if you need support on how to navigate this situation in where your child is being bullied, book an appointment with Wendy or one of our other wonderful psychologists at Drop Of Life. 

 

Wendy Pol

Registered Psychologist Drop of Life Psychology Clinic

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Changing Challenging Behaviours in Children: How Do We Respond?

A good friend of mine recently told me a story from his childhood of being a youngster with challenging behaviour at school. He was, and still is, one of the brightest minds I know, nevertheless teachers found him difficult to manage at times. In reflecting on his experience, he shared that being “good” consistently got him nowhere and nothing, whereas when he behaved poorly and then improved on his behaviour for a day he would be rewarded immensely. As a young boy he figured out how his environment would respond to different patterns of behaviour and his behaviour became influenced by that.

As I listened to his story I thought of many families I had seen wherein parents seemed to miss opportunities to consistently notice, praise and reward good behaviour. In many instances, this occurs because we are programmed to expect good behaviour naturally and actively respond to undesirable behaviour. However, if we step back we might ask ourselves: What motivation would a child have to demonstrate good behaviour consistently if that behaviour is seldom noticed and reinforced by those around them? Additionally, we should also recognise that even when parents respond to undesirable behaviours with anger, this negative response represents some form of attention, which they have been eager for and not in receipt of when they have behaved well. It seems then that balancing the scales in terms of paying more attention to desirable behaviours and reinforcing those behaviours is a key element for parents to consider taking on board.

Does Punishment have a place?

While punishment may not be the primary disciplinary strategy that we suggest to our parents, we are certainly not saying that it does not have its place. However, to be effective it has to be delivered in a particular way – otherwise, it could do more harm than good to the child’s psychological well being. For example, in some families I have worked with, parents may have allowed inappropriate behaviours to go unchecked for extended periods and then at their breaking point of frustration they crack down all at once with often excessive forms of punishment that may not have been proportionate to the most recent display of challenging behaviours. It is as though the parents were saving up the punishment and then made the decision to spend it all at once.

Parents, of course, have the best of intentions even when life seems to get in the way – however, the key to developing greater consistency in the child’s behaviours is by increasing the consistency in the parental response as well. In fact, the research tells us that inconsistent parenting may place children with oppositional tendencies at risk of greater anti-social behaviours in the teenage years and later in life.

Relying too heavily on punishment tends to create more challenges than it solves problems. When parents overuse punishment, children are less inclined to be honest about their behaviours and their motivation shifts from striving towards more desirable behaviours to avoiding punishment at all costs. What I find most unfortunate about an overreliance on punishment is that it also has negative long-term implications for the parent-child relationship whereby fear becomes a feature of that relationship, which in many instances is not what parents intend.

For punishment to be effective it has to be used as little as possible; occur immediately after the child displays unwanted behaviour; be carried out in a similar manner each time; be handled in a calm business-like way (making it about the behaviour and not the child being “bad”); and be of short duration.

The take home message here is that focusing on children’s positive behaviours and consistently reinforcing those efforts goes a long way to increase the frequency of those desired behaviours. Often times within this process, undesirable behaviours lose their strength and the frequency of such behaviours decreases. Changing our parenting perspective can go a long way in helping us win greater cooperation from children. If you believe you could use support in improving your parenting response or would like support in managing your child’s challenging behaviours, contact our team at Drop of Life Psychology Clinic.

By: Matthew McKenzie B. Psych. (Hons.), M. Psych. (Clinical) (Dist.)

Psychologist, Drop of Life Psychology Clinic

 

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The Benefits of Animal Assisted Therapy

My therapy dog Gizmo has shown me how helpful animal assisted therapy can be. Gizmo will greet his visitors enthusiastically and instantly becomes friends, especially with children, though he also tends to warm the hearts of many adult clients. It’s a fact that owning a dog can change an individual’s life by giving them a reason to stay active while reducing stress and improving their general health. Interacting with dogs can have a direct influence on health, from lowering blood pressure and increasing levels of serotonin to help feeling emotionally better. Therefore, it is no surprise that dogs in clinical settings can be beneficial for a client’s well-being and can have a positive influence on his or her therapeutic progress. Therapy dogs

So what exactly is a therapy dog?Well, a therapy dog is a dog that unlike service dogs, provides people with therapeutic contact, usually in a clinical setting, to improve their physical, social, emotional, and/or cognitive functioning. Typically, therapy dogs’ training and certification enables them to work in public places. Therapy dogs are usually not assistance or service dogs, but can be one or both with some organization. The systematic use of therapy dogs is attributed to Elaine Smith, who noticed that patients responded positively to his Golden Retriever, after which she founded Therapy Dogs International (TDI) in 1976 in order to train dogs to visit institutions such as hospitals.  

Being around therapy dogs has been shown to have beneficial effects on people’s mental and physical health. For children as well as adults who struggle with anxiety, depression or other mental health issues, being able to spend time with a dog or other animal can help improve their quality of life. Research has shown that just 15 minutes of bonding with an animal sets off a chemical chain reaction in the brain, lowering levels of the fight-or-flight hormone cortisol and increasing production of the feel-good hormone serotonin.

Some therapy dogs for children with autism are even trained to recognize and interrupt self-harming behaviours or can help to de-escalate an emotional meltdown. To illustrate, the dog might respond to signs of agitation or anxiety by gently laying on his or her lap or leaning against the child. Animals in particular can be soothing for those with difficulty using language. They communicate with children and adults on a non-verbal level, and that connection helps to improve their feelings of self-worth, confidence and self-esteem.

The use of therapy dogs in psychology clinics
Animal assisted therapy is one form of animal based therapy that is commonly used within psychology clinics. AAT is a guided interaction by a trained professional between a client and an animal of which the purpose is to help someone cope with a health problem. Academic research supports the following potential benefits of therapy dogs in psychotherapy: 

  • A therapy dog facilitates rapport between clients and the psychologist. 
  • The dog’s non-judgmental nature may help clients feel more comfortable trusting the psychologist. This can aid clients to disclose more during therapy sessions as they perceive it as a safe environment. 
  • A therapy dog can act as a transitional object for clients. This allows clients to convey feelings through the animal rather than addressing the psychologist directly.
  • Therapy dogs can lower anxiety and therefore motivate clients to fully engage in therapy sessions. 
  • The interaction with a therapy dog might encourage clients to get in touch with their feelings. 
  • The dog’s presence may reduce perceived physical as well as mental pain.
  • They provide unconditional acceptance, which can reduce stress and anxiety for the client and the client’s family or friends. 

(Braun, Stangler, Narveson, & Pettingell, 2009; Havey, Vlasses, Vlasses, Ludwig-Beymer, Hackbarth, 2014)

I hope you’ve found this blog useful. If you have any further question or would like to experience a therapy dog assisted session, please call Drop of Life and book in an appointment with Wendy. 

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